Deterring Teen Bullying: Dos and Don’ts

Deterring Teen Bullying: Dos and Don’ts Cyberbullying Research Center image 2

There’s been a lot of interest lately in passing new bullying and cyberbullying laws. The pressure to pursue these provisions seems to come from the idea that the threat of harsher penalties will deter teens from bullying others. But will they? Deterrence theory is a very popular philosophy within the criminal justice system, and as such serves as the basis for many policies (e.g., mandatory sentences and “three strikes” laws). The basic premise is simple: humans are rational beings who weigh the costs and benefits of any behavior and will ultimately act in a way that maximizes pleasure and minimizes pain. Rational people will therefore be more likely to refrain from deviance when the costs (severe punishment) are increased.

The problem with this perspective is that adolescent brains haven’t yet fully developed to the point where we can assume rationality in the face of unknown or unlikely consequences. Moreover, we often focus too much on formal punishment as a means to compel compliance instead of recognizing other powerful forces that may be even more effective. So what can be done to deter teens from bullying others? Below I offer some basic bullying deterrence dos and don’ts.

Deterrence Don’ts

DON’T increase formal sanctions.  As noted above, a lot of people have been pushing for increased criminal penalties to be leveled against those who participate in bullying. Bills have been passed or proposed in most states (see our summary here) even while legislation has been languishing at the federal level for almost 5 years.  New laws that clarify and support the roles of educators in responding to bullying are helpful, but those that seek to further criminalize are not likely to be effective at preventing the behaviors.

As I have stated before, it is unlikely that new criminal laws will result in more teens being deterred from engaging in bullying. Those who were dissuaded before will still be, but the added threat of increased legal punishment isn’t likely to prevent additional people from participating. The problem is that most teens (and many adults for that matter) simply don’t stop to consider the possible costs prior to participating in a behavior (especially possible criminal consequences). They are usually absorbed in the moment and aren’t thinking about what could happen if they are caught. Plus, the odds are that they won’t be caught (or significantly punished).

DON’T enact zero tolerance policies. Zero tolerance policies require school administrators to apply a specific, generally severe sanction (often suspension or even expulsion) to a student who is found to have participated in some proscribed behavior. These policies were most often originally focused on curbing weapon and drug possession at school, but in recent years they have been expanded to include other forms of violence and bullying. Don’t get me wrong, “zero tolerance” is a fine idea in theory. Educators do want to clearly communicate that they have zero tolerance for weapons or drugs or bullying in their schools and that those who violate this standard are certain to be punished. The problem is that these policies, by definition, do not allow educators to use their discretion to handle situations outside the letter of the policy. Bullying is largely a relationship problem, and educators, working with parents, need to use their knowledge of the situation to apply a reasonable sanction that is more uniquely designed to address the particular problem at hand. One-size-fits-all responses frequently fall short in issues involving teens.

DON’T utilize public shaming. Shame is a powerful force that can be used to encourage conformity and compliance. But when misused, it can result in the exact opposite response.  Historically, societies have used shame to induce guilt among those who behave in ways that are counter to societal norms. Shaming can also have the unintended side effect of severing the emotional bond between the person(s) doing the shaming and the one being shamed.

Australian criminologist John Braithwaite argues that there are two types of shaming: disintegrative (or stigmatizing) and reintegrative. Disintegrative shaming results when society identifies a person as deviant, and figuratively (or even literally) expels that person from the conforming group. Reintegrative shaming occurs when society condemns the behavior, but not the person. In this case we avoid labeling someone “a bully” but instead refer to the specific bullying behaviors that need to stop. It is not the child we are convicting, but their behavior.  Even when done with the best intentions in mind, public shaming is too risky when applied to adolescents whose self-esteem is generally under-developed and fragile.

There have been quite a few recent examples of parents (or educators – see this) publicly shaming their kids to send them (and others) a message about the wrongfulness of their behavior. This approach is misplaced. In my view, parents who publicly shame their kids are doing so primarily because they themselves felt publicly humiliated by the actions of their children and so they feel the need to prove that they are “good” parents by punishing in a public way. While this might seem like a creative method to address the behavior, I believe it could do more harm than good. The importance of the parent-child emotional bond cannot be overstressed, and permanent damage could be done. Praise publicly, punish privately.

Deterrence Dos

DO give students a stake in conformity. The threat of punishment only works if someone has something of value in their life that they would put at risk of losing if punished. For example, earning a bad grade only hurts if a student cares about good grades or is aiming for college or a scholarship. After-school detention is most powerful when a student has something else they really like to do after school that they would miss out on (such as an extra-curricular activity). Taking this a step further, if a man is unemployed, homeless, and broke, the threat of brief incarceration isn’t really enough to stop him from misbehaving. At least in jail he will be given a bed to sleep on and a meal to eat. As Bob Dylan famously sang, “when you ain’t got nothing, you got nothing to lose.” The best thing we can do for students to deter them from mistreating others is to get them involved in prosocial activities that they really enjoy so that the threat of school sanction or parental punishment holds weight.

Moreover, the punishment doesn’t necessarily have to be serious to have an effect. For instance, at least as of right now, I have a perfectly clean driving record. I have never been pulled over for any moving violation in over 20 years of driving [knocks on wood]. As much as the threat of receiving a modest monetary fine deters me from speeding, my desire to keep my record unblemished is an even stronger incentive, at least for me.

DO connect and interact. Another reason many people refrain from misbehavior is because they don’t want to disappoint the people in their lives that they care about. Prevention is all about relationships. Inasmuch as many teens are not deterred by the threat of formal punishment, they are dissuaded from participation in behaviors that they know their friends, parents, or other valued adults would frown upon. When teens are emotionally attached or socially bonded to others, they internalize their norms and values and do not want to disappoint them by behaving in a way that is contradictory to those principles.

The concept of virtual supervision demonstrates that kids will behave in ways that are consistent with adults they value and respect, even when those valued others are not directly supervising them. For example, if I really value my relationship with my mom, and I know that she would be disappointed in me if she knew that I bullied someone, then I am less likely to bully others, even in situations where she is not present because I am considering how mom might feel if she found out about my behavior. Of course this only works if I have a really great relationship with mom and don’t want to damage that relationship by disappointing her. So the key is developing strong relationships with kids.

And this powerful effect can also work with others who work with young people (educators, church leaders, and law enforcement officers, to name a few). As an example, one time when I was in high school, I drove my ATV across town to some community event. Several minutes after I got there, one of the local police officers arrived and immediately started chewing me out for driving too fast on the city streets. He was yelling at me, saying that after he saw me he had gone to my house and was waiting for me and was going to give me a speeding ticket!  For the record, I really didn’t think I was going that fast. But nonetheless, I was devastated. I was embarrassed and upset that I had disappointed him – not just because he was a police officer, or that he was threatening to give me a ticket, but because he had been my hockey coach the year prior and I had a great relationship with him. I felt terrible. In the end, he didn’t give me a ticket, but from then on I drove very slowly when navigating the city streets on my ATV.

It was a very powerful experience that others can learn from. Take the time to develop a positive relationship with your kids and students. For decades we have known the power of spending just a bit of regular time with students (e.g., 2 minutes a day for 10 days in a row). Learn their names. Give them high-fives as they come off the bus. Show them that you care – because we know you do. It can make all the difference.

DO develop a positive school climate.  A positive school climate is one that stimulates and encourages respect, cooperation, trust, and a shared responsibility for the educational goals that exist there. Educators, students, and everyone connected to the school take ownership of the mission of the school and work together toward a shared vision. If a climate like this is established, everything else seems to fall into place. Research consistently demonstrates that the more positive the climate of the school is, the fewer problems there are with bullying (and cyberbullying). A sense of collective concern is cultivated where students just seem to look out for each other more and believe that the adults in the school are genuinely there to help.

Since schools with better climates overall have fewer bullying incidents, a self-fulfilling prophecy emerges where bullying is something that just doesn’t happen here. If it does, it is addressed and stopped immediately. Students see that and are less inclined to resort to bullying in cases of conflict.


Deterring detrimental behaviors in a society requires more than just passing a new law or cranking up the consequences in existing laws. Considerate understanding of the needs and desires of teens will help us to design an incentive structure that is more likely to be effective. The simple fact is that some teens will not be deterred in their behaviors by the threat of any formal, criminal punishment, no matter how severe it may be. But these same youth could be prevented from bullying others if they have caring relationships with others or are involved in activities that they value.


  1. This is a great article Justin. All of it can work!!

    The one thing we still need to address is getting to the root of the problem. Some bullies learn this behavior at home, so when they use bullying behavior, their parents don’t understand what they’ve done wrong. This would call for behavioral management therapy for the bully and if possible even for the family. It’s important for the bully to understand the causes of their behavior, why it’s wrong and how they can change it.

    Ross Ellis
    Founder and Chief Executive Officer
    STOMP Out Bullying

      • Hi Tony,

        You can’t tell parents how to parent — although in some cases that would be great! So the answer to your question is no. Even if I were to suggest legislation for parenting, it would never get past a politician’s desk,

        However when kids learn from their parents’ bad behavior, it would be beneficial if parents participated with their children in behavior therapy. Would make for a happy family, happy children and stop their kids from targeting others. At the very least, the child bully does need behavior therapy. If they get a slap on the wrist, they learn nothing and their behavior will continue — very likely into adulthood. That said parents should be educated to teach their kids how to treat others and to be responsible digital citizens!

  2. This is one of the most balanced articles I’ve read when it comes to approaches to deter bullying. It seems that creating more and more laws and criminialising children is the favoured path of many, but I feel that really will create another layer of problems down the track. I’m a huge proponent of ensuring that parents are modelling respectful behaviours at home including how they use mobile devices and social media. We need to be wary of over cotton wooling our children and we need to teach them responsible behaviour. Every parent will have a different approach to parenting, but I think all parents want to keep their children safe, and in order to protect our children we need to be empowered and educated.
    Fiona Lucas
    Author Futureproof Your Kids
    Founder iRespectOnline®

  3. Great article! I really wish more parents would begin to educate their kids at a young age on the subject of netiquette. At the age of 8-10 most kids are emailing and engaging on line and most parents have not educated them on how to stay safe on line. I don’t think parents are trying to avoid it but they are just too busy and overwhelmed with day-to-day activities to know where and how to begin. The SMART Playbook for ages 7-12 has a chapter (or as I like to call it – a game plan) dedicated to technology talk. It’s a simple chapter that explains all the do’s and don’ts on how to stay safe and polite on line. A busy parents guide to teaching technology safety. My boys inspired the book and they have both complete the technology section – includes games and challenges and a tech code of conduct guide. We shouldn’t rely on the schools to begin the process. This is our responsibility as a parent!
    Suzanne Wind
    Mom with a Mission
    Author of The SMART Playbook

  4. I appreciate this practical advice. Many of us, parents and educators, can benefit from these dos and don’ts, not just in regard to cyberbullying, but in all areas of discipline and child/student/classroom management. I know that many schools have utilized the resources available at the Cyberbullying Research Center. As legislation is passed regarding education and school response to bullying, I hope that schools will keep these Deterrence Dos and Don’ts in mind as policies are developed. Educators could certainly use this article as a basis for a discussion in a professional development setting. I wonder whether politicians have asked for input from the Cyberbullying Research Center (or other such resources) as legislation continues to be enacted. I know that it doesn’t look good on a politician’s record if he/she doesn’t support those “get tough” policies on bullying/cyberbullying. However, it would be beneficial to help the public become more aware of the effective practices that actually deter bullying, listed here as the “Deterrence Dos.”

  5. I really enjoyed this article. I agree that increasing the severity of punishment will not deter students from an undesired behavior. It is a good reminder that the teenage brain is not fully developed and has a more difficult time evaluating risk when the consequences are unlikely. I particularly like the Do’s and Don’ts portion of the article. While they are all great, the Don’t utilize public shaming, Do connect and interact, and Do develop a positive school climate are my top three!

    • Great summary Tyler! Such a simple assignment, but I really like it. One to be replicated with students on an appropriate topic.

  6. This article reminds us how important relationships are in building young people who can withstand the pressures and pitfalls associated with youth. It’s a reminder that as parents and as educators we need to take a genuine interest in students, and we need to model and discuss appropriate respectful behavior. When young people do make mistakes we need to come alongside of them and help them learn from their mistake. My favorite line of the article is: “Remember, the punishment doesn’t need to be serious to have an effect.”

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